Cars and Supercars

Aston Martin V8 Vantage – This British Bulldog barks and bites

2006-10-04T13:28:00.000+05:30

Once upon a time there was a car company. It made good cars; very good cars. So good that they made as many as 10 world records in their early years and then went on to dominate the prestigious Le Mans 24 hours race in 1953. This was no mean feat. In fact it was good enough for the world’s most famous spy with the License to kill and the art to lay any female in the world to choose it as his preferred ride. These cars were achingly beautiful and were made with great emotion and passion. All the qualities made the cars from this famous British carmaker called Aston Martin to be the most talked about cars of their times

But there was a catch. This company never made money. It always ran under losses. To add to the firm’s woes its production cars had some very weird habits. They would run (or stall) at will, heat up in a cold winter evening or won’t start in the morning of a bright sunny day as if it was snowing and freezing cold for the pistons to respond to the call of duty. These cars had enviable lineage, and ghastly unreliability. Using these cars as an everyday driving tool meant that one needed to learn a whole bunch of new cuss words if he hated repitition and monotony.

The web of fairytale stories, pretty princesses and white horses is supposed to be built around a solid product, as most marketing gurus will tell you. In Aston’s case, the company thought it could get away with going the other way round. Obviously it was wrong. The brand bombed and the company in 1994 was in such a bad situation that it made just 42 cars for the entire year. Almost half of them didn’t sell.

And that’s why this car is so important. It’s about the resurrection of one the most premium and the oldest automobile brands of proud and (once) mighty Brits. After making losses almost for its entire being, Aston Martin has got itself into making profits and the car in these pictures in the reason why. The company which produced 42 cars in 1994 is producing more than 5000 cars with a price tag of more than $100,000 each and you can’t buy one if you want as there is a waiting period of three years. It’s the result of the success and popularity of this car that Mr James Bond once again wants to be behind the wheel of the Aston-ishing new DBS when he plays around with his foes in his new movie Casino Royale. This revival has been phenomenal, and is one of the most prominent evidence of the British insistence that their days as a motor-manufacturing power are not over yet.

So what’s so special about this car? Is it the fastest, or the most beautiful or the most comfortable? Does it have the most toys to play with? Well, I'm afraid i'll have to answer all these questions with a shamelessly definite NO.

You see it’s like Pele getting onto the football field for a world cup match and managing to keep up with athletes one third his age, twice his size and infinitely more vigor and power. No one wants or expects a goal from him. It’s simply not possible, but just passing the ball around precisely and dribbling it beautifully on a couple of occasions, exhibiting a flash of his legendary past would be far more relished by the audience than, say, Ronaldinho doing a hat-trick.

Aston Martin was an aged Pele till 2002, and it has scored a goal with the new Vantage. It’s but obvious for the crowd to go crazy. The 2006 Porsche 911 Turbo, costing just a couple of grand more will grate, mince, smoke, grill and eat the Vantage up on any given terrain or condition. But what the hell! A 911 is supposed to do that. The fun is when an almost dead brand like Aston Martin, with one leg already in the grave gets up, looks the most profitable car maker in the world straight in its eye, challenges it, and goes down fighting. And trust me; the British contender does give its German counterpart some solid, nose-smashing, jaw-breaking punches before enraging it and getting mauled.

This car has a 4.3-litre engine, producing 380 bhp – good enough to register a 0-100 time of 4.7 seconds. Nothing too impressive of course, for a price tag of $110000, but for god’s sake, performance figures are not what cars are all about. That car looks amazing. Oh that muscular stance, that beautiful amalgamation of intimidating brawny lines and the classic beauty of the Astons of yore. This car is a world body-building champion dressed in the robe of a King – stately, gentle, but not to be messed with.

The Vantage sure knows how to shed that dignity when required though. In fact, it could be the most ferocious animal on the planet if you really are not Mr. Right dressed in a power suit, never willing to go above 50mph. All you need to do to unleash the monster within the Vantage is to take that tacho needle above the 4500rpm mark. All hell will break loose there on. There’s a valve which keeps the beast in this car’s exhaust chained till the 4500 mark, and it lets it go after that. That wail from this car’s pipe would’ve made the dead spring out of their graves to see what they’d just heard, if that sound was just one decibel louder. You could hear the gears being shifted from miles together. You’ll just need to pass a small town at full blast for all the chicks to hear that divine melody and fall in love with the guy in that beautiful British car.

The best part about the new Vantage is that unlike the Astons of relatively recent times, this one’s not just about the looks and the noise. Germans might be known to build the best engineered cars in the world, but the V8 Vantage is a genuine British sports car with pin precise steering and handling that’ll thrill you, exhilerate, excite you with its gadget-free old-world engineering charm. It’s not devastatingly fast, but once you drive it, you know that it’s amazingly nimble, quick and reassuring around the corners. You’ll know that this is perhaps the best Aston Martin ever built and could genuinely challenge its Germans counterparts - teaching them a thing or two while being at it.

What you might also like to know though is Aston Martin, the British car maker has a German CEO called Ulrich Bez nowadays, its engine is built in Cologne, which again happens to be located in Germany, and the plant employs quite a few Germans for technical knowhow. Oh, the amazing new British Vantage...

IF YOU BUY IT

You’re cool because

The machine you’re driving is the truest testimony to humans’ love for automobiles; this brand would’ve been dead otherwise. And there can’t be a cooler thing

Visually this car is as true to Aston’s lineage as a Gallardo is to Lamborghini or an Exige is to Lotus

There isn’t a better sounding machine on the roads

And there are a very few better looking ones

The Vantage is a departure from the notorious Aston Martin quirks, and is a very reliable, refined and quick car to drive

The trademark red power button is still there on all the Astons, and it’s definitely a cool thing

You’re driving James Bond’s favorite car

You’re a fool because

You’re driving a car manufactured by a maker which is owned by an American firm, has a German CEO and engine, and prides itself on being British

911 turbo, the car which the Vantage is pitted against will have it for breakfast on any terrain

People will think that you’re a poseur since you didn’t buy a DB9 or a V12 Vanquish

You don’t understand that a commode is not the best driving machine just because James Bond is driving it

You’re more into style than substance

AND HERE'S A VIDEO, COMPARING THE V8 VANTAGE, THE PORSCHE 911 CARRERA AND THE M6

2007 Mercedes Benz S350 - It'll get you smitten

2006-09-25T10:32:00.000+05:30

The E-Class, the Audi A4 and the C-class - luxurious, expensive and feature packed. Known to be good cars, all of them. It’s a different experience they say to get your hands behind the wheel of one of them. My personal thoughts were different though. A drive in a ubiquitous Honda City VTEC was as fortifying, both as a driver and a passenger, as it was in a much coveted and hyped Audi A4 - perhaps even more as a driver. As a passenger too, I never felt too cocooned for hefty price tags of the luxo-barges to be justified.

I therefore had my own set of apprehensions before I entered the so called ‘best car in the world’. I gave it a good look all around. I figured that it’s enormous, but it’s moulded in such a manner that it very subtly conceals the fact till the time you get really close. As I got in and dug myself into the wide, plush, perforated beige leather seats, I wasn’t expecting anything out of the world. I had been betrayed by the Germans a couple of times earlier, and I wasn’t to be trapped this time around.

Have a look at the buttons on the door. They look like a chair - it's actually your seat. Move them in any direction and your seat will be adjusted accordingly. Amazing simplicity!

Look at the central console and you won’t witness a thing that shouts aloud of being a part of a car that spells opulence. It’s plain, simple, uncluttered – neat and sophisticated. There is an element of class, grace and dignity about it. While the dashes and central consoles of all the other ‘Classes’ and the ‘4s’ and the ‘6s’ of the world have the maximum possible buttons peppered liberally onto them, this one scares you. For once you start thinking whether you have been fooled, as there barely are any buttons. The central console comprises only of a big screen with a row of 11 silver coloured buttons under it with a round knob protruding under the armrest. That’s it. Genuine hand-stitched leather over the instrumentation cluster blends seamlessly with every other component of the interiors. It’s an airy, comfortable, friendly place to be in which lets you breathe. It’s very unlike the wannabes which attempt to match up in vain, ending up intimidating you. You don’t have to be scared before you press a button just because you are sitting in the world’s best car. The technology is there, and it works in the most understated manner possible. You don’t have to press any buttons since most things get to work automatically when required, you just have to sit back and enjoy your lucky self. The gates will be sucked in, if you forgot to close them in properly with a thud, the vipers will get to work the moment the first drop of rain hits the windscreen, head lights will turn on by themselves much before it actually gets dark enough to get dangerous to drive.

When you buy an S-class, you don’t have to worry about the features. If there’s a critical safety or stability feature, you just know that it’s installed somewhere under the bonnet, between the door walls, below the floor or somewhere in the boot. It’s equipped with electric everything - from the moonroof to the rear window blinds to the RVMs to everything that needs to be that way. The OE list of this car is as liberal and contemporary as it gets, and if you want to have a peek into the future, you have an endless list of incredible options to both amaze and impoverish you. In a nutshell, there doesn’t remain any ambiguity about the fact that the future of the automobile starts from the options list of the Mercedes Benz S-class.

The S-class, as I reckon then is a class act. It won’t ever try to impress you from the moment you get in - it rather grows onto you - slowly and delicately. From the air suspension that cuts you off entirely from the jarring realities of the world, to the wide, supremely comfortable seats which can be warmed or cooled at your will, to the amazingly easy to operate COMAND (Cockpit Management and Navigation Display) system that needs you to be just English-literate to operate it, this car cossets you, pampers you, spoils you without you having to ask for it. It gives you a reason to fall in love with it every time you demand something of it.

While I had my own set of apprehensions while I got in the car, I was completely smitten by the time I stepped out. The hair on my arms bristled up for the first time in my one-year stint as a motoring journo. There isn’t an atom of doubt in my mind that if I had the money, this would be the car that I would buy for a day when I was not in a mood or situation to drive - for there couldn’t be a better place to be in on four wheels for the money.

The COMAND system. You just need to understand english to operate it.

IF YOU BUY IT

You're cool because

You're driving a car that is known to be the world's best car
This machine is known to be the Pinnacle of automotive technology and a picture of things to come
There are more computers and sensors in this car than all the ones in your office put together
It's the most subtle and dignified way to tell the world that you've got loads of money
This is the safest place on four wheels for your kids and wife in the whole wide world

You're a fool because

You'd be identified as a conformist, a dimwit and a boring man
You'd also be percieved as an old man on phone by people who're talking with you for the first time and know that you own this car
A Lotus Elise, costing half the price of your car will gather four times more attention when parked beside
If you have a beautiful wife, she'll run away with yout neighbour if he has a Ferrari

Chevrolet Corvette Z06 2006 - The Devil's getting cultured

2006-09-17T20:45:00.000+05:30

There are two kinds of motoring enthusiasts in the world. One is the kind of people who like watching Jackie Chan flicks. They love it when the tiny action hero from Hog-Kong very adeptly disposes an army of goons, each one ten times his size, with a blitzkrieg of complex martial arts moves. It’s the rapid, yet classical way in which the action hero moves that leaves you spellbound. It’s dramatic, but in a scientific way.

The other kind is the people who want to see Arnold Schwarzenegger marauding a city single-handedly and coming out victorious. He’s the human incarnation of a bulldozer, no, an M1 Abrams battle tank. Bullets don’t injure him, shells doesn’t hurt him. He doesn’t even need to move as the teeny pests from the opposition shower him with flurry of slugs. He just devastates everything that comes his way, kills the villain with a mild punch in his nose, frees his abducted girlfriend and walks away without a trace of emotion on his face.

While the former group of mortals are usually seen driving around in the Supras, the Celicas, the Imprezas and the Skylines of this world, the latter would do with anything on wheels which has an engine capacity of more than 6.0-litres. Trucks are the best suited to buying groceries with the family in the evening – for example.

For these gentlemen, traction control means thicker and wider rubber, global warming is a tool used by politicians to garner votes and ten years is an eternity if the fuel on earth was to get exhausted in that time span. Units like kmpl and mpg obviously are too complicated to understand, so they are better left to scientists and philosophers to worry about.

The Chevrolet Corvette then, is the best car in the world for these friends of ours. With a seven-litre engine – bigger than the ones used in some tractor trailers – this machine is the best exponent of what some prefer calling ‘American Muscle’. And man! Does it rock!! With 505bhp of raw power oozing out from that colossal engine, it’ll take just 3.7 seconds for this car to breach the 100km/h mark, and this screeching, growling, wailing monster won’t slow down before it lands in the supercar territory by kissing the 200mph mark.

But what’s so special about the fact?

You could say that there are dozens of cars which can do the feat with about half the Z06’s engine capacity.

And at about three times the price – I would answer.

This car with the base model priced at $65K is nothing less than day-light robbery. Any other car from an Italian or a German marque with similar or lower performance specs will cost you anything from three to five times more. That’s the power of American muscle –you just have to replace the expensive electronics, software and other nonsense with a large piece of metal and lo! - You’re as fast as the world’s fastest supercars while having to spend only a faction of the money.

But there’s nothing new about this fact. The Z06 has always been known as a car which provides supercar performance at a heavy discount. The new thing, however, is the fact that the Z06 is no more the bad handling monster that it used to be. With all the straitjacketing software and hardware bits in proper place, this car could actually be driven by normal men. It’s nimbler, lighter and more fun to drive than it ever used to be. These facts have hurt the campaigners of American Muscle, but this still happens to be the best option available to them (the second best option after trucks to buy groceries). Using materials like Magnesium for the frame, Balsa wood for the floor and carbonfibre for fenders means that it’s almost time for Schwarzenegger fans to give in. Only tendons won’t work in the times of Toyota, there has to be some tact too, and this car is a sumptuous blend of the two.

The Corvette Z06 then is an absolute hoot to drive, and can make mincement of most other cars in a straight line. There’s a reason why that car is cheap though, so avoid getting too egoistic on windy roads and racetracks.

IF YOU BUY IT

You’re cool because

You’ve bought a genuine supercar for the least amount of money possible

It’s got one of the largest engines on any production car

You can see the lateral G-forces acting upon you on the Heads-up Display

It’s finally driveable in town

In yellow or red, this car is as stunning as anything else on wheels

Your philosophy of ‘there’s no substitute to cubic capacity’ remains unchallenged till date

The Japanese will research on your brain once you are dead

You’re a fool because

You’d still be lapped on a track by Italian and German Supercars

You’d be perceived as an American, irrespective of whichever country you belong to

Being perceived as an American is not a very good thing

The Chevy bowtie on your supercar also adorns several litre-class Korean cars

American Muscle is known as the Korean Miniscule here in India

Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano - A brilliant Ferrari I won't prefer buying

2006-09-09T16:29:00.000+05:30

Very simply put, it’s the most powerful V12 Ferrari GT car ever put to production. It’s got 620bhp under its bonnet, does 0-62mph in 3.7 seconds and 125mph in 11. These figures, coupled with the fact that it’s a Ferrari are good enough for a billionaire to buy it without even wanting to know how it looks.

The Fiorano then, is a car built by Ferrari for a purpose. It’s a Ferrari which is meant to widen people’s eyes with amazement and excitement as much as the legendary F40 did. And the company wants it to be sane, civil and useable at the same time. Dah! Any car with such properties isn’t a Ferrari. It has to be a savage, deadly, vile thing - draped in lust and libido. It has to be laden with all the technology in the world and still it should be uncontrollable and rough to an extent if it ever wished to justify the marque’s emblem on its body. I mean for heaven’s sake, let the Porsches and the Daimler Chryslers and the Toyotas of the world keep worrying about petty things like vibrations, refinement and harshness. A Ferrari to a true enthusiast means involvement. The sound doesn’t bother him, it delights him. The F40 was the most undiluted Ferrari ever produced, and it still is revered like none other. The fact that the Enzo and the 575M Maranello could never manage to conjure up even a quarter of the love that the fearsome F40 amassed in the hearts of car lovers worldwide within no time should be a lessongood enough for the blokes at Ferrari.

The Fiorano doesn’t even look like a proper Ferrari, forget it feeling like one. Just have a look at

the 575M Maranello…

and the F40...

…to know what I am talking about. If it’s a Ferrari, it should gather attention instantly. There isn’t any excuse if it doesn’t. There’s just no excuse. There’s just a fact then – it’s not a Ferrari.

The Fiorano as a car looks elegant, civilized and suave. The fact makes it a better car, but not a better Ferrari; it in fact pushes it a step further away. A Ferrari is a spaceship that’s supposed to drive through roads. It’s supposed to look like an aliens’ aircraft that has been transformed somehow into a car. There should be gasping mouths wherever it goes. People should keep looking at it till the time it’s visible and sigh when it isn’t. That is how it should be for a Ferrari. The Fiorano looks like a 60’s car being worked upon with a hammer to look modern. Yes, I so hate that design –especially since it’s being badged a Ferrari.

It’s quite a performer though. At the heart of that car is the same engine which powers the brutal, brash and clinical Ferrari Enzo – meant only for the track. The new car is slightly less powerful with just 620bhp in comparison. Forty horses less. But then, the peak torque of this car is delivered at 5600rpm, making it a car that you could drive everyday. Ferrari again trying to do a Porsche here, and setting foot into a potentially perilous territory in the process.

Along with the blazing performance figures of the Fiorano, there are a couple of other interesting bits which make it special. It takes the 599 GTB an unbelievably meagre 100 milliseconds to shift ratios. That pedal shifter behind the car’s steering wheel is as close to an F1 car as one could ever get on a road going machine. This, for a layman like me, should mean that by the time I start contemplating shifting a gear in a fast car, the gentleman in the Fiorano would already have shifted and vroomed away in the distance. My usual supercar car would only bee seen as a small point on his rear view mirror by the time I actually carry out the process of shifting through a gear.

Another thing that forced me to write about this car even when I loathed it for its design is something that Ferrari's prefers calling the 'SCM' Magnetorheological dampers. It’s a suspension system, which I am told by blokes in white aprons has dampers which use a fluid, the viscosity of which is modified by applying an electronically controlled magnetic field. So while the dampers could act like an iron rod on a tight curve, they can almost instantly transform themselves into a soaked sponge if they happen to encounter a severe undulation the very next second. Talk about saving egos and asses at the same time. Brilliant!

So, all you billionaires, who’ll never have the time to visit my blog – if you ever wanted to buy a car which was almost there at the absolute pinnacle of automobile technology, the £170,000 price tag is not too hefty. But if you actually want to buy a Ferrari and not just a performance car, you’re wasting your time.

IF YOU BUY IT

You’re cool because

You’re driving a Ferrari

You’re driving the most powerful road going Ferrari

You’re driving the best handling road going Ferrari

You’re driving the most useable and practical road going Ferrari

You’re a fool because

You don’t perhaps know what Ferrari stands for

There are plenty of cars which are faster than yours on the road and on the track

All those who love the Ferrari F40 will kill you for your choice

If you wanted a civilised car which went fast you could have bought a Porsche which was better at the job for half the money

If you wanted a real Ferrari, you could have bought a F40 for three quarters of the money

Porsche 911 Turbo 2007: A supercar – finally

2006-09-07T20:36:00.001+05:30

Porsche 911 has always been one of the best exponents of the genre of cars that we happen to call sports cars. The 911 was always perceived as one of the best engineered, most reliable, classy and practical sports car ever since the time it was first produced in 1964. However, it was in 1975 that Porsche plonked in a turbo under the bonnet to make a car that was powerful and fast enough to quench the egos of big, hairy men.

People kept admiring the perennially beautiful teardrop shape of this car – a timeless masterpiece of Ferdinand Porsche. The number of fans kept growing as Porsche became the world’s most profitable car company. The 911 became the epitome of flawless engineering and undiluted driving pleasure. But it never succeeded in qualifying as a supercar. The Ferraris were always faster around corners, the Lamborghinis were always more beautiful, the Astons were more sonorous and even the Corvettes were quicker in a straight line. The Porsche Carrera GT was a genuine supercar, but it never gathered the attention it deserved. 911s in the meantime continued to be seen as the best sports cars – but nothing more than that.

The new 911 turbo has changed all that. Those who’ve been getting away with calling the Turbo an onanist’s drive better run to save their own balls now – this car is faster than many a Prancing Horses, Raging Bulls and Vipers of the world. Very recently Germany’s Autobild magazine conducted a 0-100 -0 km/h (acceleration and braking) test, and the 911 turbo grabbed the top spot with an amazing time of 6.16s.

With a 0 to 100km/h time of a searing hot 3.7s, and a top speed of more than 310km/h the newest 911 has made people at Ferrari and Lamborghini rethink the ways to justify the hefty price tags on their cars. While the latter two always had their noses ahead of the 911 on the track, the Porsche was always a more practical and rational car to drive. In its latest avatar, the Turbo is no slower if not faster than the other two machines (read Ferrari F430 and Lamborghini Gallardo). This in effect means that you have to be a little foolish, ok passionate, if you like, to choose the other two impractical and insensible cars over the ambidextrous marvel from Stuttgart. The 911 happens to be the most fuel efficient of the three as well.

There’s a special Sports Chrono package available with the new Turbo, which has an overboost function to increase turbo pressure by about 2.9 psi, giving maximum torque of 502 pound-feet. The 911 anyways is a terrific car when it comes to torque and driveability, but the additional Chrono pack means that you just need to floor the paddle in any gear to nudge past the maximum attainable speed.

Porsche has rammed the 911 tight with technology this time around. Things like VarioCam Plus variable camshaft timing, Porsche Traction Management system (PTM), Porsche Stability Management (PSM), Porsche Active Suspension Management (PASM) might sound like phrases from an alien language to us, but for a driver it means that the cars handles like a fly around the track. The exhaust valves are sodium filled to aid cooling –amazing what people would do for speed!

The 911 happens to be a car which is up there with the best when it comes to engineering, technology and precision. It’s the most neutral and correct under steering, which makes it lightening fast around a track. And to best it all, you can use it daily to commute to work. Unlike the preposterous Enzo Ferrari that burns its clutch in only three full blown launches, this car doesn’t burn a hole in your pocket every time you want to go fast. Go buy this one if you love speed, if you aren’t pretentious and if you could laugh it off if someone said that you masturbate a lot.

IF YOU BUY IT

You’re cool because

Your car is technologically as advanced and as loaded with software as a spaceship.

Your piece of machinery is the most precise and well-engineered in the world

Of all the cars known to men, yours brings the widest grin on their faces while driving

You give a flying fuck to what people have to say, and know what actually is best for you

You’re a fool because

The 911s are as commonly sighted as idiots in America

You’ll always be looked upon as a wannabe who couldn’t afford a Ferrari

Every single mark, grey hair or visible vein on your body will be related with excessive masturbation

No one would believe it when you say that it’s a supercar

Koenigsegg CCX: Swedish for savage

2006-09-06T12:25:00.000+05:30

I know this is one of the weirdest names that you’ve ever heard in your life, but still you need to know more about this machine. Why? Because this is the only genuine scare and worry in the world for the smug guy who’s spent a whopping ten million dollars for a Bugatti Veyron. Even though the CCX is not cheap at around six and a half million dollars, you could still park three Ferraris, one Lamborghini and a dozen Hondas in your garage with the money saved. But the point is not that – the point is that you still won’t be any slower than the arrogant bloke in the Bugatti.

You need to know about this car because it’s as fast as any, I repeat ANY other car in the world. Yes, including the Bugatti Veyron if you’re still wondering. The buggers in the Bugattis better show some respect and not attitude, for this car seems all set to snatch the World’s Fastest Production Car title back from the Veyron very soon. A title which belonged to the CCX’s predecessor – the CCR, before the Veyron took it away.

But there’s a catch. The Veyron is a masterpiece when it comes to stability, aerodynamics and thermodynamics. Volkswagen has spent obscene amounts of money to make that car sanitized, controllable, predictable, and should I say – flawless. There’s science behind every single nut, bolt and screw of that car, which unfortunately is not the case with the CCX. A lot of guesswork has gone into the making of this brutal beast. It might sound unjust to Koenigsegg, but I don’t have any other way to put it when I know that the company was told by a TV show to fit a spoiler in this car after it lost grip, flew and crashed during a test lap.

Koenigsegg, the maker of the world’s fastest production car had to be told by a TV show that your cars need a spoiler to increase downforce which in turn would provide more grip to the tyres and hence prevent it from spinning or taking off from the tarmac. Wonder what delicacies the R&D team of the company was savouring when they were supposed to log data in a wind tunnel. Or was there any wind tunnel testing at all? You need advise for fitting a spoiler from a TV show? In a car that supposedly does 258mph (412km/h)? Sorry sire – you drive the cars that your company produces yourself; I want to live a little longer. Even today that spoiler comes as an option at some extra price – like one more CCX needs to be crashed on another TV show for the thing to come as a standard fitment.

The excuse that Koenigsegg came up with is that the spoiler increases downforce (oh really?? Wow!!), which in turn reduces the top speed of the car (how so intelligent!!). This according to me means - we’ve made a car which hypothetically touches 412km/h, but it might fly off and kill you even before it reaches 350km/h without the rear spoiler, but if it doesn’t, we’ll be the fastest production car in the world. We care two hoots for you and it doesn’t matter how much money you have paid to us, since we’re insanely obsessed about being the manufacturers of the fastest production car. So fuck you and your dear life – pay us extra money if you want to come in the way of our lunacy and slow us down.

So go ahead, buy this car, pose around it and there’s no bar on driving it either. But just like the odd spoiler, there might be a hundred more flaws which need a crash before they’re revealed. While you might discover one when you crash a CCX, you might not live to tell Koenigsegg about it.

IF YOU BUY IT

You’re cool because

This is one of the rarest, costliest and the most exclusive cars in the world

It’s one of the most powerful and the fastest too

It’s faster than the CCR which held the record for the fastest production car in the world

The CCX is the fastest car in the world around BBC Top Gear’s circuit

Till the time you dont want to beat the Veyron in real world, it's pretty safe

You’re a fool because

You still don’t have a Veyron

People will laugh at you if you tried telling them that your car is about to become the world’s fastest production car

They’ll kill you if you tried telling them that it’s made in Sweden

All Germans will be your enemies

Half your family and friends will never be able to pronounce your car’s name

You spent six and a half million dollars and still are second best

BMW M5: It’s Viagra in a candy wrapper

2006-09-05T15:04:00.000+05:30

Imagine Bruce Lee dressed in a ladies' gown with a diamond necklace and two mother of pearl earrings. That’s what this car is. Just don’t mess for your own good; looks can be deceptive. It’s an innocent looking, cute, little chubby kid who’ll abuse you with the world’s dirtiest adjectives the moment you extend your hand to say hello.

Five hundred horses propel this savage puppy-faced beast from 0 to 100 km/h in 4.7 seconds. In real world, this data effectively means that you are entitled to give the finger to anyone on the road. And you’ll get away with it 90 per cent of the time. Nothing will match up – till the time you mess around with some genuine thoroughbreds like a Ferrari or a Lamborghini. You could give even these exotics a run for their money if you have the required set of skills. The mighty M5 will definitely give you a chance to fight.

It looks like such an unassuming, simple, friendly car when you have the first look at it. You feel like taking your mom, dad, wife and kids out for an evening drive. You want to hum soft songs of joy; you want to cruise at 100km/h and thank god for such a happy and content family. Don’t ever actually do that though. The moment you slot in the key and press that M button, the world around you transforms. The soft songs of joy are now head banging hardcore rock tracks of Metallica. You’re travelling at 250km/h and cursing BMW for electronically limiting the speed. You begin hating your mom, dad and wife for decreasing the power to weight ratio and killing the fun. Of course after this drive, expect your dad to kick you out of his home (if you’re living with him that is) and write a will that puts all his property in the name of an orphanage. Your wife without doubt will divorce you and just pray to god that your kids don’t know a thing about child abuse.

This then, is the car to have for the people who have money but just enough to buy one exotic. It’s the best of both worlds. It eliminates the need of parking a Lamborghini Gallardo beside a Honda Accord in your garage. This one’s both fused into one.

The downsides? Well there’s a system called iDrive installed in all the Beemers these days. And the problem is that BMW hasn’t yet started any training centres to teach people how to use it. It’s a nightmare to use, and it will tangle you in a web of menus, submenus, options and settings so much that you’ll feel like gettin out of the car even before you turn the engine on. Then there are things like Drivelogic, P500S, Servotronic S, M Dynamic Mode, EDC etc which’ll scare you into running for help – screaming! And if you think you could handle all of that, there are a thousand more things to make you get scared every time you pass by a BMW showroom.

You can actually spend the entire day setting the car up through the iDrive system and go back home and sleep without driving for a single millimetre. There are 11 different settings for the way you want to shift gears - slow, very slow, tortoisy slow, snaily slow, fairly fast, fast fast, very fast fast, bullet train fast, Concorde Fast, umm fast and I donno fast. You have the power to decide at your hand, but you’ll never ever find a setting perfectly right for you. It’s just not possible. Simple is sweet, and the folks at the Bavarian company forgot it.

If you, however, want the most spacious, the most practical and one of the fastest sports cars, all bound in one –look no further. Make sure that you’re in a position to take a three day leave from work –you’ll have to learn the iDrive system you know.

IF YOU BUY IT

You’re cool because

You’ve grown up in life and people who appreciate you genuinely mean what they say.

You could drop your girlfriend and her mom t

o the shopping mall at the same time.

You’re ready to learn the iDrive system –which means you’re very, very intelligent and persistent.

You have the mighty ‘M’ with you.

You’ll not be looked down upon even if you parked your car beside a Ferrari

You’re a fool because

Chicks will think you’ve grown old.

Your kids will complain as they find the neighbours’ Alfa Brera Cooler.

People who don’t know ‘M’ will think of you as a totally mundane, morose person.

You’re one of those who don’t see their car as

a tool to get chicks.

Bugatti Veyron : A proof that humans are insane

2006-09-01T20:35:00.000+05:30

Humans are insane because some of them are ready to pay a million dollars to buy a car that supposedly hits 400km/h. Supposedly – for none of them will ever be able to drive it at that speed. And even if he did it at Boneville, do you really think it'll matter?

What do you do with it then? If you try driving it through clogged city streets, you'll feel like committing suicide. Everyone does, when a $6000 Fiat Panda sneaks past his million dollar machine. It gets even worse when the two kids in the rear seat cheer up their unsuccesful, poor, pathetic looking daddy and show you two turned-down thumbs. Whoa! Daddy!! We overtook the big, ugly car!! Booooooooooooooo!!

But maybe you’d rather hit the highway, and leave everyone in dust as the storm called the Bugatti Veyron chews and spits miles with abusive disdain. And then you feel like committing suicide again when you’re ticketed at the very next corner. The old man in a 1975 Beetle trundles past, looking at you like you were an orang-utan behind a zoo’s bars. The old woman beside him points a finger at you and then both of them laugh - hee hee hee!

The bottomline being –this car is not meant to be driven, for there are better machines to do that. Stand beside it at a busy square of Rome with a Cigar in your left hand, and you’ll find the hottest chick of the country in your right arm within minutes. Drive to that place before dawn and drive back after midnight. Use cabs for taking the women out in the meantime. You can always drive them home late in the night for sex. And they’ll wait –trust me.

Yes, it’s fast. Yes it’s exclusive. Yes, the front and the rear bumpers and everything in between are a metallic incarnation of the wildest sex that you ever had in your dreams. Yes, it’s the best car to pose with. But then… it’s not meant to be driven by sane men. It’s the most blatant way to admit that you care two fucks about the people around you, their problems, the humanity – and about your own poor self.

IF YOU BUY IT

You’re cool because

It has 987bhp – good enough to move a city if tied with a rope on its fat rear

Nobody will ever challenge you for a drag

It’s the best engineered tool to get chicks on earth

Only 300 will be ever made

If you have one – you’re definitely one of the richest

You’re a fool because

At full speed, this car will gulp down the contents of the entire tank in twelve minutes flat. It returns 1.2kmpl at full blast.

You’ll create jealous enemies wherever you go.

Your kids will be kidnapped within a week of buying it.

Your wife will be kidnapped if you don’t have kids.

They’ll kidnap you if you’re a single.

And….

You’re asking for one more reason – proof enough that you’re a fool.